Still reading From Good to Grace by Christine Hoover and enjoying it so deeply. Highly recommend.
Knitting philippa’s second sock. She seemed completely disinterested in these until I tried the first sock on her and she started wiggling her little toes in it. Now she is so excited to see me knitting the second one. It amazes me every time, how excited the children get when I’m making something just for them.
What are you reading or making lately? Linking up with Nicole’s Crafting On. ❤
The kiddos and I were out this morning spreading mulch around the front flower beds, taking trips back and forth with a borrowed wheelbarrow wagon. These little ones love to work hard, especially if every trip back and forth is rewarded with a ride in the wagon! We’ve all come in now to find refuge from the crazy heat (does it feel terribly hot to anyone else for May??) so I have a minute to put up a quick little knittery post.
Over the weekend I cast on a baby gift item, so I can’t share too many details here, but it is really a fun knit so far. More about it once it has been gifted!
Also, I finished The Awakening of Miss Prim (enjoyed it!) and began reading From Good to Grace: Letting Go of the Goodness Gospel by Christine Hoover. Friends, this one is meeting me in a very profound way. There are some things my husband and I are working through, praying over, laying before the Lord, and this book is speaking directly to it. I bought it back when it was a new release with some saved birthday money last year and its funny how I haven’t felt like it was the right time to read it until now. The author is addressing her own tendency and battle with legalism/moralism, what she is calling her “goodness addiction,” which is basically whenever we try to earn our way to God, whenever we think we must be “good” for Him, in order to earn His love or favor or grace or salvation. This is one of my most deeply rooted battles, something I struggle with every single day, and something the Lord must be working to free me from. Of course, He began speaking to me of this back in my early college days, and its amazing to see the progress He and I have made, and yet sometimes it startles me to see how my “goodness addiction” creeps back in. I love how the author quotes:
“The Gospel was not my working theology: Mine was moralism and legalism–a religion of duty and self control through human willpower. The goal was self-justification, not the justification by faith in Christ that the gospel offers. But, as many people can tell you, moralism and legalism can “pass” for Christianity, at least outwardly, in the good times. It is only when crises come that you find there is no foundation on which to stand. And crises are what God used to reveal my heart’s true need for him.” (Hoover, quoting Rose Marie Miller)
Yes, when life is working for us, working hard to earn God’s favor or to stay in His good graces flies under the radar, and looks an awful lot like Christianity. We’re productive! We’re doing good things! We’re happy-clappy and strong! We can feel pretty good about ourselves, even a big smug about our work for God. Maybe a tad reproving of other believers who aren’t as productive as we. In fact, I believe this heresy is still terribly prevalent in our current church culture, at least here in America. I feel like since I battle this so deeply, I see it easily in others. But our crises sift us. It’s one of the few beautiful gifts that come from a painful trial.
One of the hardest things about this whole past two-year journey dealing with all the ups and downs and life changes that have come with Phoebe’s diagnosis has been the way it has wiped me out. It has made me feel emotionally and mentally weak. I don’t know much else how to describe it beyond a feeling like I can’t breathe. On the hardest days, I’ve literally felt physically short of breath. An old heart condition of mine began to flare up, and I was back on a heart monitor for a month and seeing a cardiologist. As far as we could find, there was no physical problem, so the cardiologist told me it must be stress.
I’ve had to pare down a lot of my commitments and focus most of my energy on caring for Phoebe’s particular needs. I have felt pretty lame as a Christian in the sense of how “small” my circle has been drawn, how very small my efforts seem, how very unable I am to serve in some of the ways I used to and desire to. Guilt comes easily. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned that the Christian community isn’t terribly great at letting each other go through seasons of weakness and unproductivity. The great injustice of suffering something is that not only are you bearing the burden of your ordeal, but then you feel terribly guilty for your weakness in it. You feel guilty that you aren’t being “a better Christian” in the midst of it. You feel like you must hide your suffering and struggle and questions. As Ann Voskamp said in her book The Broken Way, “When the church isn’t for the suffering and broken, then the church isn’t for Christ.” We can say until we’re blue in the face that we are a place for the broken, but if the broken don’t really feel welcome? If the broken don’t really feel safe to just BE WEAK and be seemingly useless for a season?
I am just now, just now after almost two years on this journey, just now beginning to surrender to my uselessness before the Lord. I can’t even describe in words how He has been ministering to me and speaking and carrying and meeting me in ways I do not deserve and can hardly receive. I have learned that I must ask Him and HIM ALONE what He wants from me. What does faithfulness look like, Lord, in this season? What do you want from me? Not: what does the church want from me? Not: what does my family want from me? Not: what do my friends expect of me? But what do YOU want, Lord? And His answer:
“Worship. I desire your worship. That is all. In everything you do, in whatever you put your hand to–do it as unto me. Do it for me. Find me in it. Enjoy me. Receive from me. Do the hard work of receiving all of me. I gave myself for you, to you. I am split open, broken, blood-spilt for you. Take and drink. Take and eat. This is your holy hard work. This must come before you do any endeavor in my name, and this must be the place from which you continually abide.”
And I believe I am finally learning to rest in Him. To receive Him. To be weak before Him, as much as I despise that weakness in myself and wish I could be a star pupil. I am learning to stop earning what has already been DONE for me. I am learning to stop trampling His precious blood underfoot as I run about in all my human efforts (Heb. 10:28). I have tried to do great things for God, when all along He has wanted me to see what great things He has done for me. I have had my eyes turned inward, when He has wanted them turned upward.
Laying down all this striving? It feels a lot like a death of sorts. Death to a way of thinking, a way of living, a former identity. That old flesh of mine keeps resurrecting, it would seem. And death feels terribly counter-intuitive and painful to the flesh. It is plain unnatural. But it is the upside-down way of the Kingdom of God: whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matt. 16:25). Sometimes we have to lose everything we’re clinging to in order to see and know and experience how held we are.
We get to be weak, friends. We get to be the weak that we are. He receives us just like this. He wants us to drink our fill of Him again and again and again. Maybe His goal isn’t for us to eventually move from our place of weakness to being strong again. Maybe His goal for us is to remain here. To remain terribly, painfully aware of our inability and weakness so that we are dependent on Him for every thing. Maybe thats what He means when He says He uses the weak things of the world to shame the wise (1 Cor. 1:27) rather than saying He transforms the weak into bastions of strength. If that feels a bit scandalous for you to say (as it does for me) than maybe we’re really not walking in grace like we think we are. Maybe we really need to revisit the scripture and take a good hard look at what the Gospel is.
Anyway.. My little yarn along post turned into pouring out my heart. I hope it resonates with someone out there just a little bit. I hope if it does you’ll consider reading Christine Hoover’s fantastic book, From Good to Grace.
(And just so you know, I don’t get any kickback for promoting her book. I just share good books because I believe in the power of the written word as a tool for change. I do always link to amazon and technically am an affiliate with them, but I have never made a single dime off of that affiliation. Just so you know. 🙂 Because I know I’m skeptical of people like that. #skepticforlife)
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I’ve written about this theme many times. If you’re interested, here are a few of those posts:
You Get to Be Weak
Savoring the Gospel When You Fail
From Legalism to a Feast of Grace
I’m late getting this post up! Summer time is nearly upon us folks, evidenced by the fact that my children are playing outside longer in the evenings and running back out after dinner to make the most of these long sunny days. Right now they are busy helping daddy dump mulch from the trailer, while I wait for them to come in for dinner. So I have a minute to get this post up!
I finished the Water rock vest and am just waiting to block it (I think I will need to, to try and add some length) and also finished Phoebe’s socks over the weekend. I cast on a pair for Philippa immediately, improvising the pattern (using 44 stitches instead of 48) to make the cuff a bit smaller, but now I have to think about the math. So far its working out! Here’s to hoping my math works and it fits her.
I picked up this book, Design Mom: How to Live with Kids, from the library on a whim today. I love flipping through books like this for ideas and inspiration for decorating. I should clarify that when I talk about “decorating” our home, I mean using what we already have and rearranging it. Haha. 😉 Such is life when you have little ones and live on one income. I’m almost done with The Awakening of Miss Prim and have really enjoyed it so far. It’s been fun to have a totally pleasurable read for the evenings versus something that requires my mind to be awake. Although I’m craving theology. Deep, rich theology.
What are you knitting, reading or working on this week? Here’s to hoping you find some time to make beautiful things and read good books.
Linking up with Crafting On + my knitting friend Being Bodeker.
I finished Phoebe’s first sock and just turned the heel on the second one this morning. She is begging me to finish these asap. Even though NC summer heat is threatening to bear down on us, she wants socks. 🙂 I’m knitting Susan B Anderson’s ribbed socks for kids pattern in Knit Picks stroll gradient yarn (color way unicorn) and I used some leftovers from my “favourite socks” for heels + toes. So fun and so fast to knit little kid socks. A very satisfying knit! But then, I feel like I say that about everything I knit. Knitting is just satisfying. 🙂
I picked up The Awakening of Miss Prim after Ginny (the originator of the yarn along) mentioned she was going to read it, as she is also looking for some lighthearted fiction. It captured me immediately and I can’t wait to get in bed at night and dive back into it. I already don’t want it to end!
No real link up this week, except linking arms with my knitting friend over at the Being Bodeker blog. 🙂
Affiliate links included in this post.
In order to find God it is perhaps not always necessary to leave the creatures behind…The world is crowded with Him…
The real labor is to remember, to attend.
In fact, to come awake. Still more, to remain awake.
C. S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm
Yesterday I woke up to the laughter and squall of children in the room next to mine. The day began in the rush and hurry of need and hungry tummies. I normally try to get up before the children, but I had been struggling with sleeplessness and a bout of anxiety in the middle of the night and slept fitfully. My plans for the morning were interrupted by an unexpected trip to the doctors office to check on one child who woke up with pink eye in both eyes, then running to pick up a prescription and grab a few groceries before heading home. It was afternoon before I breathed a breath of prayer to God and realized I had completely missed my time with Him in the morning. My soul instantly cringed–how could it have been nearly all day before I even remembered God? Then came the familiar rush of guilt with a dose of self-hatred to boot. All this soul amnesia. I shake my head as I wash the dishes.
Last November I retreated away to a hermitage a few hours from here. I went alone for the weekend, Brandon had offered to keep the kiddos. Motherhood and the constant presence of people all looking to me with their pressing needs–it can wear an introvert out. It can wear any person out, I’m sure! We need to pay attention to our souls, we must take small breaks, place spaces in our calendars, slip away when we can to refuel. We need silence, we need reflection, we need sleep and solitude. That weekend was glorious. The cabin was perfectly cozy at the very tip top of a mountain. I kept my journal open and wrote endlessly, read the scriptures and studied, read other books, knitted without interruption, went for walks in the woods, cooked simple meals, rested, worshipped, prayed. It took me almost the whole weekend to really relax and unwind, and I realized how tightly wound motherhood had made me, along with the added role of care taking for phoebe. All of the worry and strain, the financial burden, the roller coaster of her improvement and decline. I needed that time away, so I could reenter the fray with renewed energy and focus and love. I needed time to seek God in the quiet, as I used to in my days before children. I needed uninterrupted time alone with Him to hear from Him.
If only we could have these times whenever we need them. If only we could guarantee some respite, rest, and silence throughout the year, then we could seek God as we desire to, as we think we should. And I do believe times of refreshing will come, pockets of rest.
However, when we would flee difficulties in motherhood, most of the time God would have us press in. Where we would avoid and escape, He has us pick back up, day and night. Motherhood is so constant, endless, around the clock, with needs that can simply swallow us whole. Our souls can cry out–
“Oh, that I had wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
I would flee away and stay in the desert;
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm.”
(Psalm 55:6-8)
We think we will find relief in escape, in a break–a sometimes we do. But is it good for us to set our eyes on the next break on the horizon and survive until then hanging on by our toenails? Beyond that–can we only find God in our escapes, our breaks, in the quiet place of refuge?
Or could He possibly have treasures for us right in the maelstrom of motherhood, right in the trenches of it? Must we wait for Him on the sidelines of life–sidelined by little people and their needs–or can we have Him right here to the full in a way we never expected or anticipated before?
Could pressing in and finding Him in the weary work–could this possibly be the point? The thing He wants us to learn, the muscle He wants to strengthen? Of course its far easier to find Him in the quiet place of refuge. But if we can’t find that quiet place of refuge, do we wave the white flag of defeat and turn our hearts off to God until we can have a moment alone? Or can we find a way to God in the very mundane, simple, undervalued work/tasks of motherhood?
Could the tasks turn out to be a path to God?
What if the very practice of mothering and doing the work of motherhood–washing the dishes, feeding the hungry mouths, wiping the bottoms, folding the laundry, teaching, admonishing, disciplining, training, guiding–could these things possibly be a spiritual discipline of sorts, leading us to know God, experience Him, enjoy Him in a way we never could or would choose otherwise? Could there be treasures here for us–right here in this season–that we’ll miss if we shut down and vow to hold on until the crazy ride is over?
What if God is not only found in the lofty theological ivory towers, the seminary classroom, the pew, the sanctuary, the prayer closet, the monastery–but here, scrubbing the floor around a toilet.
Here, chopping onions and carrots.
Here, holding a feverish child.
Here, in the pickup lane at school.
Here, singing a hymn over a sleepless child.
Here, organizing shelves, stacking piles.
Here, in the rush-hour traffic home from work.
Here, in the weary waking hours.
What if we could find God in the ordinary work of motherhood rather than trying to fit our old habits and disciplines into this new rhythm–which for most of us feels cramped, incompatible, impossible.
Is it possible in this season of little ones to be both a good mother and to keep close company with God?
This is what is addressed in Catherine McNiel’s book Long Days of Small Things: Motherhood as a Spiritual Discipline. This book exceeded my expectations. I was a bit afraid it would be another moany-groany book about motherhood without being terribly helpful. Instead, it was honest. Real. Insightful. Provocative. Thoughtful. Helpful. It addressed our great hunger for God, our desire to know Him, our frustration with all the things that seem to work against us and keep us from Him. She ends each chapter with a practice, tangible things to anchor us to God throughout the day. Things like our breath:
“Inhale deeply and realize you are breathing in God’s unfailing love. Exhale and release into his unceasing presence. Suddenly, breathing–your easiest daily accomplishment–is an act of worship, meditation, and prayer.” (McNiel, p. 12)
Without adding a burden of more tasks to our schedule, McNiel helps us to find God in each of the tasks we already perform daily, and do them as unto the Lord. Like walking, eating and drinking, cooking, household tasks, sleepless nights, pregnancy, diapers, breastfeeding, to name a few.
McNiel commiserates without sounding whiney, encourages and exhorts without loading on a heavy burden of guilt. She feels like a true companion in this journey of motherhood, someone who understands its complexities and enjoys them, glory, grit and all, because of the way they point us to God.
I devoured this book, crying over sections of it, marking up nearly every page, returning to it over and over, savoring it. It is one I will need to reread more than a few times, I believe.
If you are a mother afraid you might be missing out on some great spiritual life because of your busy role as mother–maybe this book is for you. If you ever feel a bit like you can’t breathe under the pressing weight of this season, a bit like you can’t breathe–Maybe this is one to ask for for Mother’s Day?
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Thank you to Tyndale Publishers for a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. All opinions expressed are my own.
Affiliate links included in this post.
Phoebe and I did school yesterday sprawled out on a blanket under a great spreading maple in our backyard. We began reading The Penderwicks. I’m not even sure what led me to this book but I remember hearing somewhere along the way recommendations of it. We’ve been listening to The Little House on the Prairie series on audio books, too, and Phoebe’s been re-inspired to run through the yard with her bonnet strings dangling around her neck like Laura.
I’m still not reading much lately. Odd for me, I know, but by the time evening comes and I’m free to read I just don’t have much brain power left. I’m in need of some light hearted stories, so if you have any book recommendations, I’d love to hear them!
I’ve mainly been working on my waterrock vest for the Appalachian Knits spring KAL that I’m participating in. The designer of the pattern is my friend from middle + high school days, Jennifer, and she is the one who taught me to knit! So it’s really fun working on her pattern. Everything she makes is gorgeous. I’ve almost finished the body and ready to begin arm hole shaping. I’m adding another inch or so to the body since this is a cotton/linen blend yarn and I plan to wash/dry it, so I’m adding length to account for shrinkage. Plus I have a long torso, I think. Anyway, I’m really enjoying knitting it. I’ve started some socks for Phoebe too and I plan to knit a couple pairs for each of the kids and eventually a pair for myself too.
Joining with Nicole’s Crafting On, a weekly craft link up, as well as another knitting friend here.
My yarn along posts have been missing lately, due to all the craziness of moving and settling, but also because my beloved Ginny of Small Things has decided to stop hosting the weekly yarn along link-up. Sob. I really miss the weekly community and chatter of knitters, many of whom somehow have become friends over the strange world of the internet. I don’t know exactly what I’ll do in the wake of all of this, whether I’ll still share regularly or not, but somehow the weekly posts helped encourage me to finish projects and to read more, and I miss that. I’ve been hardly reading at all since moving, I think I just need a good light-hearted book. Any recommendations?
I’m working on a few projects, mainly a water rock vest that my friend designed (and gifted me the pattern!! She is the most generous + sweet person). Knitting it in Knit Picks CotLin yarn, which is new to me and really soft to work with–and inexpensive! Then I recently cast on a featherweight cardigan for myself. I bought this yarn awhile ago with Christmas money and it is dreamy in every way. It’s Madelinetosh Euro Sock in color way Cold Shoulder. So soft, such a perfect dusty lavender with flecks of mauve. It’s the most indulgent knitting, and I’m trying not to fly through it as my yarn funds have run out!
By the way, I’ve finished my campside shawl awhile ago and I haven’t even had a chance to block it or weave in ends. I’ve been wearing it nonstop, unwoven ends a-dangling. I love it love it love it and think it’s my favorite knit so far.
I’ve been reading/browsing through this design/decorating book, A Touch of Farmhouse Charm with a ton of do-able and cute DIY projects as inspiration for our old/new home. 🙂 It’s a 1950s rancher, but I intend to have a touch of farmhouse charm up in here.
Happy knitting and reading friends, wherever you may be!
Joining with Nicole’s Crafting On and also my new knitterly friend Being Bodecker.
Affiliate links included.
You guys. I am so terribly behind on posting a review for this book and I feel awful about it because IT IS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE BOOK! It deserved a really great, lengthy, shining blog post a long time ago. I received it last fall when it released and read it within a week or so. Honestly it was maybe in my top five favorite reads from 2016. It was one of those books you finish and want to immediately purchase copies of for everyone you love. I highly recommend it!
Shannan Martin’s book Falling Free: Rescued from the life I always wanted came into my hands in the middle of our house search. In a sense I was resistant to reading it, since Martin’s book is a memoir sharing about their leaving behind the life they thought they always wanted for something that seemed far riskier, smaller, and challenging. Its good to read something like this while in the midst of your own home search. What Martin was leaving behind–a cute farmhouse, a mini homestead, a comfortable community–these are some of the things my husband and I are looking for and dreaming about. And not that there is anything wrong with having a farmhouse or a homestead or a wonderful church community. But Martin sure does challenge our notions of what we need, what we expect, what we feel entitled to, what we think God would have for us, what we think is safe, what we hope for. She brings perspective. She gives courage to truly abandon your life to the faithfulness of God, even in the face of the risk and discomfort involved. She holds out the glory of Jesus and the life of following and obeying Him as higher and greater than our small dreams, our small hopes for a comfortable, safe, monochromatic life.
An author I have loved, Emily P. Freeman, has highly recommended Martin’s writing, which is what led me to check out her first book. I was not disappointed! She is at turns hilarious, witty, and yet poignant and insightful. She can turn a phrase like few authors I’ve read, bringing fresh insight and conviction to our typical American way of life and thinking. And her taco recipe has become a regular staple in our home. (Thank you, Shannon.)
I can’t tell you more about it because I simply can’t decide what to emphasize most. Just go read it. If you at all feel bound up, go read it. If while you have most comforts and pleasures accessible at your right hand yet can’t shake the niggling sense that you’re missing something, go read it. If you’re hungry for the kingdom of God, go read it. If you’re hungry for more of God, go read it. If you’re just plain bored, go read it.
Read at your own risk. Prepare to be perturbed, disturbed, challenged, convicted, awakened, and set free from the life you think you want to the life God would have for you.
Thank you to Book Look Bloggers for a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. All opinions expressed are my own.
My lila sweater is blocking, only needs some ribbing on the neck and then weaving in ends. I cannot wait for it to dry so I can finish and wear it! Meanwhile, I’ve been itching to knit a shawl for some time. The Campside shawl by Alicia Plummer has been in my queue for quite some time and it’s a free pattern that seems simple and produces a nice large cozy shawl, perfect for spring evenings. So I’m gauge swatching for that, knitting with Madelinetosh DK in color way Harvest.
Also, I’m still reading Long Days of Small Things but also checked out Braving It from the library and have a hard time putting either book down. I highly recommend BOTH! Not much time for reading this week, but I squeeze in a few pages before bed.
Joining with Ginny’s weekly yarn along link up.
Affiliate links included.
Sorry for the fuzzy picture, it’s a gray rainy day here so my camera didn’t want to focus. Anywhoo… still knitting my Lila sweater. I’m thankful for an easy, meditative, mindless knit in this busy week of last minute packing as we prepare to move this weekend. It’s easy to pick up in the evenings and unwind while working on it. I’ve just joined sleeves and am working on yoke shaping. It’s been unseasonably warm here in NC in February so I’m not sure if it will be cold enough to wear it when I finally finish! But I hope for some more winter weather before spring comes.
I am so greatly enjoying Long Days of Small Things (affiliate link). I find myself craving to read it during the day (but no time!!) and eagerly looking forward to squeezing in a few pages when I’m in bed. It’s a paradigm shifter for moms who have found that since becoming a mom there is no time anymore for the pursuit of God. We hear this so often from our fellow mom friends, don’t we? Even from our own hearts–where is the time, the energy, the finances, the brain power to put thoughts together to pursue God as we once did? So many mothers longing to be faithful in this trying season of sacrifice, yet feeling like failures because we feel that we must choose between our own pursuit of God and satisfying the constant demands of our little ones. No matter which we choose, we are tempted to feel like a failure for forsaking the other. Here’s a little excerpt from the first chapter:
“Children are consuming. They leave us with nothing left to give ourselves or anyone else. But this is the perfect training ground for our spirits, the very setting many disciplines are designed to produce. Our demanding, beloved children are what we create–they are our spiritual path. What if we looked through new eyes and discovered that into our very life stages our Creator has placed impressions of himself, reflections of his strength and beauty, a spiritual path laid out just for us?”
What I’m also loving about this book is the “practices” McNiel includes at the end of each chapter. They are simple, immediately attainable and small practices such as paying attention to your breathing throughout the day, walking, eating, washing. All the things we do cyclicly each day, finding these human activities to be worshipful. I have found myself thinking about this as I’ve been going about my usual routines this week and it has so deeply encouraged and helped! Just to realize sometimes that I’m holding my breath in stress–to take a deep breath and to say to the Lord as I do so: I’m breathing in your grace and steadfast love in this moment. I’m breathing out my fears and worries to you. Just this little prayer, over and over throughout the day–how can it bring such joy? But it does.
Anyway.. for any mom in the trenches: READ this book! I’m only a few chapters in but I believe I will love it to the end.
Joining with Ginny of Small Things today and her weekly yarn along.
everything He gives 