Family – Page 7 – everything He gives

three little pounds

May 3, 2016May 3, 2016 MarthaKimball1 Comment

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One of the things I love about blogging (but is also sort of terrifying) is that those of you who read along with me here are reading a story in progress. This story, my family’s story, the story God is writing in my life, through my life, it isn’t finished yet. I have no idea exactly where it is going, what turn is coming up next, or what is just up around that bend. This blog serves as a place where I can keep a journal of sorts of my family life, the growing of my children, the growing of my own heart as I keep step with Jesus. I try to be as genuine as I can be here with respect to the privacy of my loved ones, sharing what God is doing in our lives, simple and ordinary as they may be. I believe strongly that we are participating in the work of His kingdom here, in the safety of these four (rented) walls, raising up warriors, worshippers, disciples of Jesus. I believe He has given us this work for this season, and in the midst of a million ordinary moments, He meets us. While wiping a child’s tears, He whispers to me that a day is coming when He will wipe all of mine away, too (Isa. 25:8). While disciplining a child, He reminds me that it is the child He loves that He disciplines (Heb. 12:6-7). While cleaning endlessly, He whispers to me that my labor is not in vain (1 Cor. 15:58), though it feels vain when children muddy what was just washed clean. While growing impatient with the occasional foolishness of my children, He reminds me of His endless patience with me and my own daily and continual need for Him (Ex. 34:6). Wherever I see beauty, He sings to me of His myriad beauties, and reminds me that His invisible qualities are clearly seen in what He has made (Rom. 1:20).

Somehow, these ordinary moments become an avenue, a road, a confluence where the truths of Scripture and my own heart meet. Somehow, in His mysterious greatness, He can take what is ordinary and make it holy by His presence with me in it. Does that make sense?

Anyway, all this to say, I see the Lord at work in my simple days at home raising these precious children. He is working in me, walking with me, keeping company with me here. I hope to share that in the pictures, the moments, the stories that rise up out of our life onto the “pages” of this blog. It’s a story that is in the process of bring written, and that scares me a bit sometimes, not knowing what is up ahead or how I might be able to share that with you, my sweet few faithful readers. 🙂 It’s not a story I’m in control of, but I know His promise to me is that He will perfect that which concerns me, and my future in Him is sure and secure, even as the waves of my circumstances tumult around me.

About nine months ago I shared here about Phoebe’s diagnoses with Celiacs disease. It hasn’t been an easy journey. My soul has gone quiet in a lot of ways, as I’ve been processing and working it out with the Lord. She hasn’t responded quickly and easily to the diet change, as we had hoped, and so the work of finding how best to feed her and help her to grow, while gently working (with the help of a team of therapists) around her fear and aversion to food feels like it takes up about 80% of my attention. That is terribly wearisome sometimes, and being prone to fearfulness already, it often requires a lot of spiritual warfare to keep my soul in a place of quiet trust in the Lord.

All of this front loading to say, we finally have seen some growth from Phoebe, 3 pounds since February (!!!), so we wanted to celebrate and take her out for a special date with just mommy and daddy to a local restaurant, Posanas, that has a dedicated gluten-free kitchen. There are not many places we can take her to eat where we feel “safe,” and so this was such a treat for all of us. My mom watched the other two kiddos (thank you, mom!) so we could both go with Phoebs, as she requested. As we were driving there, she said, “This is the first time you and Daddy have both been with just me!” I sort of laughed because of course that’s ridiculous, she is our firstborn, so there were two years where everything we did was just with her. However, she’s right, we haven’t taken her on an outing alone with just the two of us all to herself. She loved it (and so did we)!

We don’t go to downtown Asheville too often, but we should! Look how beautiful this place is! It was a particularly lovely evening, and we thoroughly enjoyed our time walking around on our way to and from the restaurant. Phoebe ordered the ricotta gnocchi mac n’ cheese, Brandon and I ordered two appetizers (Prosciutto wrapped rabbit with a strawberry rhubarb sauce, and a different kind of ricotta gnocchi) and a gorgeous kale salad. Phoebe didn’t think she was going to like her mac n’ cheese at first because it looked so different from what I think she was expecting, and she sort of wilted and almost started to cry when it came. It was a brief moment of panic, but then she tried it and loved it! She was thrilled that she had a knife of her own and a real glass cup, too. The chocolate cake was simply to die for.

It was a special evening celebrating and thanking God for three more pounds, and for places to go where we can show Phoebe a whole world of foods that she can still have. We are really thankful to those who work hard to create delicious, kid-friendly options for children like ours with special dietary needs!

So for those of you who are following along, for those of you who have been praying for us and for Phoebe, I wanted you to hear and experience the good news along with us and humbly ask you to continue praying, if you so desire! We always have so much to be thankful for, and we ask God to keep us thankful even when we feel beset with groans and complaints and bad news. It is wonderful to see Him working and healing and restoring our girl, and our hearts are full of praise.

let the children play

April 29, 2016 MarthaKimballLeave a comment

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“There is a little danger in these days of much educational effort that our children’s play should be crowded out, or, what is from our present point of view the same thing, should be prescribed for and arranged until there is no more freedom of choice about play than about work. We do not say a word against the educational value of games (such as football, basketball, etc.)… But organised games are not play in the sense we have in view. Boys and girls must have time to invent episodes, carry on adventures, live heroic lives, lay sieges and carry forts, even if the fortress be an old armchair; and in these affairs the elders must neither meddle nor make.” -Charlotte Mason (quoted in For the Children’s Sake)

“There are many reasons why children have been reduced to a point where they don’t play with joy, initiative, and creativity. Often so far as their personality is concerned they are wheelchair cripples, too disabled even for crutches. Restorative actions means scheduling time, time which is not obviously “improving.”…Certain factors encourage play. It is often easier home-based than institution-based. There should be space, and lots of free time. Children need to be outdoors (for hours). They need to make noise, mess, and to have access to raw materials (old clothes for costumes, hats, tables to turn into camps, etc.). They need privacy from intruding adults, but they need interested support in quarrels, thinking of another way around a problem, providing food, and, at the end, bringing the children tactfully back into the world where supper is ready, the camp has to be packed up, children are tired and ready for the soothing routine of evening stories.”
-Susan Schaeffer Macaulay, For the Children’s Sake

Our home days are my favorite days, “home days” meaning the days we aren’t running around doing errands, restocking our various shelves or visiting with friends. We love all of that, too, but we always try to have some uninterrupted hours outside, too. One rainy days, we go hunting for puddles and momma gears up mentally for a tub full of muddy, sodden boots and clothes for laundering. There are things that matter far more than a perfectly tidy home. I heard a quote on the radio this week that a perfectly tidy home is a sign of a life misspent. Maybe I’m just comforting myself with those words, but it is a comfort. Of course, I dream of a perfectly kept home, and there is a great value in a tidy and relatively neat home for providing structure, refuge, and sanity for the family. But there are more important things at stake than a handful of stray crumbs, cheerios stuck to placemats, laundry heaped clean in a basket. Children are growing up day by day. They need affection, affirmation, encouragement. They need eye contact. They need to be unhurried. They need spontaneity, curiosity, exploration, dirt and discovery.

And the reality is us adults need all of that, too. Having children is a very good thing for us “grown ups.” It is helping me to be a child again, to remember what a world full of wonder we live in. It is bringing laughter and silliness again, where once maturity and sensibility was so prized. It is teaching me, as C.S. Lewis wrote to his goddaughter in the dedication of his book The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, that I am “finally old enough for fairy stories again.” And I’m so glad.

I’m only learning, though, and often regress. I’m thankful for these words from For the Children’s Sake, and find myself reminded that children are born learners. Its often our systems and programming that bore them to death and teach them amiss that learning is a tiresome, bothersome endeavor. The reality is that if we take them out into the natural world, which is so full to the brim with curiosities, beauty, ugliness, creativity, function, pain, and philosophy, they are sure to find things that spark their wonder, and we can stoke the embers of that wonder into flame. We do that by getting down with them, exclaiming with wonder over their discoveries, asking questions and prompting their thought, finding books and videos that explore the matter further.

The geese on our nearby pond are nesting, and we just happened to check out a book from the library all about geese families. We have been checking the geese every day if we can, whether walking to the lake, or hoping on our bikes after dinner in the dusky evening to see if any goslings have hatched. I am learning wonder again, over things so small and things that didn’t matter much to me before. I am learning to notice again, to wonder and to find ways to see the glory of God on display in these small and simple things He has seen fit to fill the world with.

“For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world,
in the things that have been made.”

Romans 1:20

getting out

April 22, 2016 MarthaKimball2 Comments

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Oh, North Carolina in spring, you steal my heart. That surreal bright green is creeping up the hillsides, popping everywhere. We’ve been gleefully spending most free afternoons outside, riding bikes, drawing with chalk, playing “bubbles,” as the kids call it (when I make bubbles for them to run through and catch).

The kids are becoming such little buddies, creating such a little culture all their own. I remember in my high school/college years I used to babysit for this family that I adored. They had six children, and they had such a unique and fun little family culture. The kids played these incredibly imaginative games, and I remember watching them with this acute longing to have a family dynamic like this, with children who love each other like this, who create their own beautiful little world together. I am starting to see it unfold between these three and it is heart-melting. I love catching them in their games. Noah and Philippa have this bond playing ball together. One of them sits on the bottom of the stairs, throws the ball into the play room, the other runs around and chases it, while they both kill themselves laughing. The other day I found all three of them on the couch trying to suck their fingers and twirl their hair like Phoebe does, in a row. Both Noah and Phoebe have this tenderness with Philippa, and lately I’m catching them holding hands with her and walking. Now of course, they all fight and hurt one another sometimes, but we keep teaching and nudging and trying again, and we are seeing more kindness grow. Even momma and daddy are working on gentleness and kindness. These lessons are learned over and over again, even as adults, because our natural inclination is to be selfish and often we are most unkind when we feel someone infringing on our space or desires.

Sunday was a gorgeous day here in the 80s so we retreated to the mountains, looking for a spot to let the kids explore and play in the water. We went up to a popular area on the parkway, Graveyard Fields, and played in the stream there. Brandon helped the older two with fishing. I tried to sit and knit for a few minutes but was quickly seen by Philippa who ran to me (totally soaked through) to snuggle, so that was that. I must have sighed with a hint of frustration (even though I adore her snuggles!) because Brandon looked at me with a smirk and said, “Stressful relaxing, isn’t it?” YES. It is so stressful sometimes just to try and go somewhere to relax as a family. Philippa insisted on “watkin” (walking) herself the whole time. They really are all such excellent hikers, and they love our Sunday adventures. Sometimes it feels like more effort than it’s worth to pack everyone up and get out into the mountains somewhere, especially with Brandon working long hours lately. But it’s good to just get away from our regular life for just a little bit sometimes.

I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who are reading along. It really means a lot to me that you’re here and just know I love hearing from you! I hope you have a happy and blessed weekend, wherever you are.

spring things

April 11, 2016 MarthaKimball2 Comments

I’m behind it seems on posting lately. I’ve been dealing with some vertigo on and off and looking at the computer screen has been messing with my eyes and giving me a headache so I just haven’t been able to be on for long periods of time.

My youngest brother’s wedding was on Easter weekend so after we all got back home from Virginia, we had an egg hunt for the kids at my parent’s house. It was pretty special because we had *almost* all of the nieces and nephews together for it. We only hid a couple of eggs per child so it was kind of short lived.

These spring days have been so lovely. I’m enjoying this year’s spring more than any I can remember, I think. We’ve had some really warm days, lots of time to be outside and thankfully no mosquitoes yet. It’s been good to be able to throw the windows and doors open and have the kids outside more than in. Phoebe is bringing me bundles of flowers for my kitchen table or for her mud pies or bride bouquets. We gave them each some wildflower seeds and their own set of garden tools in their Easter baskets so we have been waiting for the “last freeze” so that we can plant together and see what happens. We don’t have a yard with much sun, so I tried to choose seeds accordingly.

I’m attempting to potty train Noah again, and this time my mindset has been different. He is just not going to get this quickly, and so every day its about doing our best and sticking with it and dealing with a lot of messes and laundry, but keeping it light for him. I introduced the kids to that old movie from my childhood, the Adventures of Milo and Otis and they loved it. They’ve been requesting it nonstop on the rainy days, in which they inform me that movies are the best thing to do. Philippa has been talking so much. Well, she’s always talked a lot but we are starting to understand her more. She is affectionately called the “boss lady” around here, and she loves to tell everyone what to do, though we can’t understand half of it. She is saying “nur-ning” for nursing, “naugh-knee” for naughty, and loves to yell “don’t touch!” or “no, no!” She says “EYE da-doo” for I love you. She loves playing “pee-boo” (peek a boo). She is observing all the potty training business going on and is very interested herself, and already runs to the potty if I ask her if she wants to try. She will probably be done by this summer, and its hard for me to imagine life without someone in diapers! Crazy!

We’ve been getting out on family adventures again, always so happy when the parkway is open. Last weekend we hiked up to a fire tower we’ve always wanted to check out, then had a picnic on an overlook and let the kids run around and play while I squeezed in a few minutes to knit.

Phoebe is not really napping anymore in the afternoons the last few months, though she still has quiet time while the younger kids sleep. She has a big stack of books and a doll and is content for a couple of hours, but I let her get up a good hour or so before the other kids. I’ve been trying to make the most of this time with just her, sometimes doing a little craft, having tea, baking something together, or doing a little bit of “school.” I’m trying to wrap my mind around starting school in just a few months and I don’t have it all figured out yet (ha!) but it’s pretty much constantly on my thoughts.

Anyway, thats a bit of our random current life lately. Off to play with the kids outside a bit before dinner!

the last wedding

April 4, 2016 MarthaKimballLeave a comment

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Last weekend we stayed all together (minus one sister-in-law and nephew) in this big rustic barn in Lexington, Virginia. As you may be able to tell from the many, many pictures, there was a whole lot of joy over the weekend. We gathered for my youngest brother’s wedding, the last one of us to be married. The cousins had a blast being together, Phoebe and Jericho playing “bride” all week long in preparation for the event, Noah and Asher playing “trucks,” the babies toddling about trying to be a part of everything. It was busy and at times chaotic, but full in the best sort of way. The bride and groom had made the whole weekend special with small, meaningful and relaxed gatherings (a family/friends hang-out thursday evening, bridal luncheon friday afternoon, etc.) that gave us time together and time to mingle. The wedding was one of the most beautiful and meaningful I’ve been to, and I was able to have a small part reading a beautiful prayer over this couple, as well as watching my little girl scatter flowers like a pro for the bride.

I think one of the greatest mysteries of attending weddings is the peculiar way that it confirms and solidifies our own love for one another again. Along with the bride and groom, we cherish the vows again, we remember, we look back with a whole lot of road behind us now. We see a little more clearly, but somehow still dimly, because the glory of this institution requires a lifetime to unveil. We want to sing a hundred songs over this new couple, to tell them to drink deeply of this beautiful cup, in worship to the Lord. We want to hem them in with a hundred warnings, all the hard-won lessons we have learned along the way. They will have their own battles, they will only learn by going their own road.

On the drive up to Virginia, this song played piercingly loud over my heart as I thought of these two heading into marriage. The only safety we have in marriage, the supreme gladness I have over these two is that in the safety of the sovereign care of God, we can trust that they will not be shaken. It’s the best news going into marriage: the battle is going to rage, the armies are going to rise up against them on all sides, but we have the surety of a God who is for us, who is fighting on our behalf, who is fighting for our marriage, a God who is stronger than all that will come against us. We have a God who is redeeming all things, setting all broken things right, a God who is always making new. We cannot trust in frail man, we cannot even trust ourselves, but we trust in our God. I pray that over these two that I love so dearly, I pray this over my own unknown future: Go with God, dear ones. Through His unfailing love, we will not be shaken.

For we trust in our God
And through His unfailing love
We will not be shaken,
We will not be shaken,
We will not be shaken
[x2]

Though the battle rages
We will stand in the fight
Though the armies rise up against us on all sides
We will not be shaken
We will not be shaken
We will not be shaken

For in the hour of our darkest day
We will not tremble, we won’t be afraid
Hope is rising like the light of dawn
Our God is for us He has overcome

All those against Him will fall
For our God is stronger
He can do all things
No higher name we can call
For Jesus is greater
We can do all things

(We Will Not be Shaken, Bethel Music)

Click here to listen to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KHPIZOdrjI

spring things

March 21, 2016March 23, 2016 MarthaKimballLeave a comment

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We were enjoying mornings and afternoons on the porch last week, snack outside, making mud pies in the sandbox. Temperatures plummeted this week and we expect another frost tonight potentially. We’ve had our foretaste of spring and we’re ready for it now! We get used to the quieter, whispered beauty of winter and then spring comes and the earth is bursting with glory and color we nearly forgot existed.

It’s amazing how much can change in one week! I’ve been watching this beautiful white cherry tree outside our living room window, taking pictures of it every day, watching the buds burst open and the tree fill with blooms in the matter of a few days. The red buds are flowering, the cherry trees, the daffodils and crocuses, pansies sprinkled around front doors. When did I become one of those people who is fascinated with buds and blooms, birds and children playing, finding such beauty in all these small things? The smallest, the things most trampled underfoot in our busy rat-race pace. Yet here they are, day after day, quietly doing what they are supposed to do, echoes of a far country. It’s holy week this week, my sister and her family is in town from British Columbia for my youngest brother’s wedding this weekend in Virginia. We will be caravanning up there mid-week and heading back home to North Carolina on Easter Sunday. The cousins are having the best time together, Phoebe and Jericho are practicing being brides all week, although they will have to settle for being flower girls come wedding day. It is so achingly wonderful to be all together and to see cousins enjoy each other. Our minds and hearts are busy with all that comes with wedding prep, and my soul is meditating on how beautiful it is to be celebrating a man and a woman covenanting in marriage around the time of year that Christ suffered and died for His beloved church. There is a tangle of meaning there that I have yet to extricate.

I finished my first kerchief/mini shawl which seems the perfect size for Phoebe and she loves it. I guess I can share it with her. 🙂 I’m pretty proud of it, already working on another shawl and a couple other knitted projects on the go. Brandon says my knitting stuff is now everywhere, taking over the whole house and I cackled with glee. I wouldn’t want it any other way right now! Books and skeins of yarn scattered everywhere! Also, Brandon let me splurge and order a skein of yarn from one of my favorite bloggers and natural yarn dyers, Ginny Sheller, and it arrived last week. I love it so much.

I hope you’re enjoying your first week of spring!

spring projects

March 8, 2016 MarthaKimballLeave a comment

This is what March is like around here. One day it’s snowing, a few days later you’re planting pansies and soaking up the sun in your front yard. I’ll take it all, but it really did feel pretty wonderful to be outside almost all day Saturday and Sunday, watching the kids zoom around the yard on their bikes, or playing on the swing and sandbox. I don’t know quite what got into Brandon this weekend, but he went to town on a few projects for me/us. He made small planter boxes for me (his own design, which I love!) so that we can have a scant amount of veggies, at the very least. The ONLY place in our yard that has light is our porch, so I plan to have a few containers this year of the barest essentials: herbs, tomatoes, cucumbers, greens of some sort. It’s just the best growing food with little ones. They are so excited to see the whole process and I do believe it helps with better eating when they’ve grown and tended the plants themselves. For us, it helps some financially and nothing tastes better than our own produce. I really miss our bigger garden space but I’m thankful for at least a little square of sun.

Philippa was attempting to “help” me go through and sort clothes earlier last week, I suppose, or at least making the job easier by dumping all of Noah’s wardrobe contents on the floor. She is for sure the most mischievous of all the children so far, at 15 months old. I literally clean up one disaster, walk into the next room and find another one.

We filled up our bird feeder this weekend and rehung it and it’s been really fun watching at the windows and from the porch, spotting new cheery visitors. The warm sun made me crave getting my fingers in the dirt and seeing some bright new life, so we planted a few pansies. I was amazed at how interested Philippa was in planting flowers. She surprises me with how much she understands and how eager she is to do “big kid” things. The older two were busy rowing their “boat” through the wild seas, so she had the dirt and trowel all to herself. She filled up the little pot with dirt very slowly and plunked purple pansies down in there, smooshing them in sideways. Watering everything was another adventure which completely fascinated her.

Earlier in the afternoon on Sunday Brandon told me he wanted to make me something, a surprise. I took Phoebe on a mommy/daughter date to pick out a craft she had been saving her spending money for (an “Anna” sculpture/piggy bank to paint) and when I came back Brandon surprised me with an Amish yarn swift! I felt so so loved! I put it to use right away last night and it is so much easier to use than the other methods for winding skeins that I had been attempting. Mostly, it just meant a lot to me that he came up with that idea and figured out how to make one. He honestly supports me endlessly in all my little endeavors, even when I constantly doubt myself, and it means so much. I don’t know why he seems to believe in me, but he does, and in this great big world full of critics and naysayers, one of the greatest gifts is having someone who is always, always on my side, someone who is for me, cheering me on, pointing me always toward who + what is best. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect and we butt heads often, but ultimately we are each other’s biggest cheerleaders and defenders in a world full of opposition and difficulty, and for that I am grateful.

new things

March 1, 2016 MarthaKimballLeave a comment

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I wound my first skein of yarn by hand into a ball and could finally cast onto my first shawl! This yarn is truly dreamy to knit with, as so many others have said, but I’m not sure I’m crazy about the colorway. I’ll see what I think when I finish up. In some light, it reminds me of the ocean on a gray day, or of Phoebe’s little sleepy eyes, which makes me love it. I finished up a little baby hat this week in that gorgeous super soft deep pink yarn.

Philippa has been really into pointing out all the “no-no’s” this week, walking around (or climbing on my desk) and pointing and asking, “no-no?” As if she doesn’t know. She is definitely going to be our craziest little one so far. Last night after I pulled her out of her chair after dinner, I took off her pants which were covered with food. Normally we bathe the kids right after dinner. I was going to let her wander for a minute while I finished eating and next thing I know I see her naked bum walking around carrying her cloth diaper in the other hand. She yelled “da-tye!” (bath time) and went running and squealing for the bathroom as I chased her. She is hilarious and I have NO idea how she got her diaper off. She is into everything, and she loves throwing laundry in the toilet. Sigh.

The kids and I tidied up the backyard and the sandbox this morning, resurrecting it. Phoebe is pretty excited about it being mud pie season again and I hope to add a few more things to her outdoors kitchen. These past few days have been warm and sunny in NC and even though I didn’t think I was ready to see winter go, these warm days are so pleasant that I’m starting to dream up little spring projects for us. Philippa loves being in the backyard and is content in the sandbox for quite a while. We might see some snow again this week, but we’ll enjoy whatever we get, whether sun or snow or just drizzly cold. It’s all a season, it all comes and goes, and each day bears its own gift and its own rub.

We met with a new nutritionist for Phoebe last night, a specialist in our area for Celiacs. It was probably the first time I’ve felt like we really have an advocate who is able to help us, who is knowledgeable, compassionate, practical, and seems to really care. We’ve met with a few others, and this was the first time it felt right. After looking at what Phoebe is getting calorically per day, she was pretty mystified as to why her weight is dropping, even after 6 months on a gluten-free diet. In some ways that made me feel better, but it also concerned me. We should see and hope to see growth SOON. One thing I really appreciated was the fat folder of resources she gave me for local restaurants with details about each one, best grocery resources, flour recipes, coupons, etc. She encouraged us to give up oats for the next 6 months as there has been controversy recently on the processing of oats and unintended cross-contamination. We also talked about trying to diversify the grains Phoebe is eating beyond mostly rice products, so I’m really excited to have some recipes to play around with millet, sorghum, amaranth, and some bean flours which are new to me. I keep taking it a step at a time, a couple new changes at a time, which saves my sanity and makes it more manageable.

This week has felt like the first hints of spring, and I have told the kids to be looking for the very first buds on the branches. Whoever spots them first will get a little treat of some sort, so they have been looking every day.

winter rains + change

February 23, 2016 MarthaKimball2 Comments

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Last week was a terribly busy and stressful week with more doctor appointments than I care to recall. Everyone here is okay, just some appointments following up on Phoebe’s growth and progress since her diagnosis, a first-time visit to a brand new support group for kids with Celiacs, and some appointments for myself. I had heart surgery a number of years ago, and have been mostly doing fine, but lately have had an increase in palpitations/skipped beats, so I’m following up on it and wearing a heart monitor for the next month (its so fun to be a tangle of wires). It was strangely gratifying to have the doctor tell me it’s probably mostly the fact that I have three kids five and under. Sleep deprivation and stress can do crazy things to a person!

A drizzly cold rain is spitting outside as I type this over a steaming mug of tea. Every day it seems we hear more and more birds singing, and February is nearly over. We try to get outside and run and explore as much as we can. Spring is on its way, though I can’t say I love spring as much as I do winter. I am still hoping for one more good snow in March! In fact Phoebe dressed all in white the other day and told me she was a snowflake and then proceeded to chant “We want snow to come our way” all morning. God gives special attention to the prayers of a child, right? 😉 I don’t want to let go of the early mornings huddled around the fire, everyone gathered over books, tangled hair and blankets.

We went to SC over the weekend to help Brandon’s parents do some work on their house to get it ready to sell. While the guys worked outside all weekend, my mother-in-law, kids and I spent time together inside and out exploring some nearby parks. We are always grateful for time with them and that they offered to pay Brandon for the work, which is unnecessary but a huge blessing to us in this season where finances are tighter than ever.

In other random news, Phoebe had her first loose tooth last week. She got up from nap one day with a terrified expression, like she thought she would be in trouble, and announced that she wouldn’t be sucking her fingers anymore because her tooth felt uncomfortable. All week she tilted her head to the side while she chewed (it is her front bottom tooth) and yesterday morning during breakfast, it just came right out. I think she was surprised that it really didn’t hurt! She had a note and $1 from the tooth fairy in the morning, which she promptly put in her little wallet. Noah thinks the whole thing is so cool and he can’t wait for his teeth to fall out.

Meanwhile, Philippa has been getting molars and has been miserable the past few days. Also, I have begun officially weaning her. She nurses only in the morning and at night before bed, but because of some of my own health reasons, I need to wean her. I’ve been delaying it because she still loves it and so do I. I kept hoping she would sort of lose interest. She cried pitifully for it this morning and I nearly caved, but it’s one of those times that necessity must rule over emotion. I will hold onto the night feeding a little longer and then in a few weeks we will both have to let go. I have loved nursing my babies so much, and I never know if God will choose to give us another, but I have also been nursing and pregnant nonstop for the past six years and my body is letting me know it needs a rest. If it was up to me I would probably hold onto these years forever, but God finds a way to help us let go, even when our fingers have to pried off of the thing.

I love being a mother so much, I count this the most privileged work of my life. I hate the letting go parts that come with it, and I know I will fight it at every stage.

I’m so thankful that in it all, all the changes I don’t love, my God remains changeless. I love that the same words that soothe my soul and bring me peace and comfort are the words that have comforted and satisfied countless thousands of others for hundreds of years. Changeless.

“When my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
(Psalm 61:2 ASV)

grief surprises

February 10, 2016February 12, 2016 MarthaKimball2 Comments

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Last week I went with a friend and all our kiddos at our local Nature Center. It’s such a fun outing for the kids with a lot of space for them to run around and explore, a nice interruption to our usual Monday activities. I think my friend and I both came pretty exhausted and spent, we didn’t cover much ground in terms of sharing updates or our hearts. We just sat together and barked occasional directives at children. It was simple, it was good.

When I got the phone call back in June of 2015 about Phoebe and her diagnosis with Celiacs disease, I was literally just getting the kids ready to walk about the door for my dad’s 60th birthday celebration. I was supposed to pick up balloons and was hurrying to get the kids and myself dressed and ready in time for the 30 minute drive to nearby Black Mountain for the family gathering. The nurse told me the diagnosis, and I could tell in her voice there was the sorrow of having to give bad news. The words hit like a punch and then like a wave, washing back and forth over me again and again. I wanted to cry but it was like everything inside me just froze and I had to press hold on it all so that we could go to my dad’s celebration. There was a swirl of emotions, even excitement and joy because we finally had an answer that made sense. After that, I never could really seem to get to the sorrow I felt. Over the next few days, I went into “go mode,” immediately researching, placing holds on every book about celiacs at the library, visiting many different grocery stores in our area, cleaning out cabinets and getting rid of food, washing and replacing kitchen utensils. There wasn’t time for anything else yet. Tears came here and there, but never a good deep cry, never the feeling that I was able to “get” down to the buried emotion. There was mostly anxiety and a tightness in my chest that just wouldn’t go away.

That was six months ago.

A few days ago I had a really difficult day at home with the children. It was “one of those days” (all the mommas said amen), everything going wrong, with lots of yelling and failure, and it felt like a heavy hand just trying to push me down flat. We stopped and prayed many times throughout the day, the children and I, but the heaviness just wouldn’t lift. After the kids were in bed, Brandon and I were talking about it, I was crying, confessing, he was listening. Then suddenly it was like something in my soul cracked wide open and it finally spilled out. All the grieving. All the fear, the terror, the exhaustion, the sorrow. The sweet release. The letting go.

See, grief is not something we manage. It isn’t something we are in control of. We want to hurry our souls through our pain — but it cannot be wrangled and managed as easily as our calendars or our laundry piles.

Grief surprises. It lays dormant for all these passing days, then suddenly it breaks open over us and we are caught in the downpour. We process it as it comes. We are not in control here, we are carried on this journey. The way of the heart is a mystery. Grief cannot be packaged, hurried, tamed. It can be silenced — but it will have its way, eventually.

Partially I think what triggered this surfacing of my grief is that most of Phoebe’s symptoms have stayed exactly the same, even with the gluten-free diet. We are in conversation with her pediatrician and we will continue to pursue whatever options necessary to help her, but it has not been as easy or as simple as most of the books and doctors have implied. A simple change in diet has not really made much difference at all, at least not yet.

It’s not spring yet. We are still in a winter. Others might think us silly for mourning so deeply something that, compared to other’s suffering and pain, is relatively minor. I even think myself silly and frequently catch myself scolding my own soul. But I am learning: grief cannot be controlled, managed, bossed around. Silly or not, it must be acknowledged and allowed its time.

Our God knows. He knows the way He has made each of us to work, He knows how sensitive we are, how slow or quick we are to process, how weak or strong. He knows exactly what He’s doing, even when we do not. That can make me angry, or it can be the greatest comfort. When He seems to apply a pressure on me that is far greater than I can stand up under, when He carves a wide open space and leaves it empty — I want to be angry with Him, and sometimes I am. But I also believe Him. I believe that He knows best. I believe His ways are higher. I believe His plan is perfect. I believe He is good, that He is light and in Him is no darkness. I believe He loves me. He loves me.

He loves you.

He is a safe place for our grief. We can lay it all out before Him, piece by piece as it comes, and trust Him to carry us through it. To show us why it hits so hard, why it hurts so much. He is patient with us, suffering long with us. He abounds in mercy and steadfast love toward us. He goes with us, never retreating from our sorrow, never trying to hurry us on without bandaging each hemorrhaging part. If we are really confident of His love for us — if we truly believe that nothing we can do can ever diminish His love for us, or increase His love for us — then we are free to come before Him in truth, without hiding.

It wasn’t coincidence, it couldn’t have been, that on Sunday as I worshipped with my church family, I held my Phoebe close as she stood on the chair next to me, singing out the words to the song “Oceans.” The words took on new meaning, as I couldn’t help but think of the Scripture the Lord put on my heart for the year 2016. I couldn’t help but think of the Scripture I had read just that morning only moments earlier in the car on the drive to church, the one I scribbled in my journal:

Let not the flood sweep over me,
or the deep swallow me up,
or the pit close its mouth over me.

Psalm 69:15

I couldn’t help but think of the lyrics:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

What if the great and deep unknown He asks me to walk in isn’t some romantic call to overseas mission work, or women’s ministry, or a cute etsy shop business, or any other venture that I might find thrilling and appealing, but the hard, daily, and exhausting grind of learning how to feed my daughter, nurture her, and trust Him with her health even when it is terrifying and uncertain? What if the place “where feet may fail and fear surrounds me” isn’t the wild poverty of Africa, as I once assumed it would be, but is the place of sickness and disease in my own home? When I pray the prayer “take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,” what if He answers that by taking me through a deep grief? When her growth is declining rather than improving after being on a gluten-free diet as a family for six months?

“When something breaks down or does not go as planned, we are given a glimpse of our great need. Like a vast emptiness. We pray for solutions, crying out for immediate help, but God desires to give us more. To give something real. Something we can see with our eyes and feel on our skin.”
(Christie Purifoy, Roots + Sky)

God sometimes carves open a wide yawning space within us and leaves it, seemingly, empty. As if He is content to leave us aching, hollow, and groping. We cry out for answers, we are hungry for His voice, we wonder how this can be the abundant life He promised us.

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace.
For I am Yours,
and You are mine.

If you are grieving a loss of any kind today, know that I’m praying for you. Spring is coming. The seasons always ebb and flow, like the ocean waves coming and going on the shoreline. A wide open space is hungry ground, open to receive seed.

Behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come.

Song of Soloman 2:11-12

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