I cast on last night for a little newborn pilot cap for a friend’s baby. I’m hoping I have enough yarn left in this ball for it, we shall see!
I haven’t been reading much this week, but still reading The Shepherd’s Life when I can. We are headed out of town on Saturday morning and I have been a busy bee preparing for that. I’m hoping for some long stretches of reading and knitting during the car ride and week away!
The middle of June is celebratory for us, my birthday as well as my mom’s being on the 14th (yes, we share a day!) and then Father’s Day just a few days later. It feels apt for the very middle of the year, half gone by, to mark it with some feasting and cake.
My birthday fell on a Tuesday, the most ordinary day of the week, which is just fine and dandy by me. I’ve always felt a bit like a plain and ordinary sort of girl. I was successful, however, in finagling Brandon into celebrating my day over the course of a few days. 🙂 The Saturday prior to my Tuesday, we had a few hours without the kids to walk through a few shops downtown and grab a bite to eat at a favorite sandwich spot. On my day, B offered to take me out to dinner, but I really feel like a breakfast out is my kind of deal, so we took the whole fam to one of our favorite local spots, the Corner Kitchen in Biltmore Village. This is maybe one of the first times we’ve taken Phoebe to a non-gluten free restaurant, so we packed her own bowl and cereal and milk, and it was a little stressful knowing the environment wasn’t gluten-free, but I think we all felt pretty special being able to eat together as a family at a restaurant and I don’t think Phoebe even noticed that she didn’t have anything off of the menu. That girl loves her Nature’s Path cheerios. Brandon went off to work as usual, the day was a little hectic for me with errands, and then in the afternoon we gathered at my parent’s house to celebrate together with my mom and the rest of the family around. My mom even ordered a special birthday cake made by a local restaurant that has a dedicated gluten-free kitchen, Posanas. They made a decadent chocolate ganache cake for us, and it was extra special because we could all eat it together!
B wasn’t supposed to get me anything for my birthday, but he ended up surprising me at home with a couple new bath supplies that he picked out for me at Earth Fare. He is so cute, knowing that I love lavender and tea tree, and finding a few things to surprise me with. I think my cards from all the family this year were my favorite, I received such sweet and life-giving words from siblings and parents and Brandon. Of course, words mean a lot to this gal. My parents went above and beyond, spoiling me with some new all-clad cookware (!!!) as we have been using the same pots for the last 10 years, some kind of target teflon pots that have been all scrapped to smithereens, probably killing us slowly with carcinogens day by day. I’ve been trying to switch to stainless steel and cast iron as I can afford it, so I am so excited and thankful!
Later in the week, Phoebe and I got around to making a (grain-free) lemon lavender ricotta cheesecake together from Nancy Cain’s cookbook. We love pulling on our aprons together, she always picks the yellow one, and I the red and white one my grandma sewed for me. We put it in the oven and went out for a walk in the neighborhood, then got distracted chatting with a neighbor and suddenly remembered our cheesecake baking away, and hurried back home. It was a little too browned, I would say, but just delicious! I meant to have some whipped cream to top it with, but forgot, and the kids actually loved it, which surprised me. Usually they don’t like lemony things.
My birthday always seems to coincide with the blooming of the hostas, their regal green necks and purple crowns. Different things blooming all year long mark the turning of the seasons for us, without our even realizing it half the time. I feel so incredibly blessed this birthday. I really am living my dream, mother to three precious children by the side of the man I adore. Even in the midst of the regular challenges and trails of life, I am really content. Or at the very least, learning contentment. I read this scripture this morning, “You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory” (Psalm 73:24). What peace! What a life! What an incredible gift. All of my days, guided by his loving, good counsel, keeping me in the path that leads to peace and blessing, and then afterwards, He’s just going to take me right on into glory. GLORY. My soul can’t help but sing a hallelujah to that. I find that the hardest seasons that I am facing are only making His presence and grace all the sweeter, instead of pulling me away from Him, and what a mercy that is! That is certainly a work of His Spirit in me, not of my own wandering flesh. The Psalm goes on, one of my very favorite passages of all time, one I can almost never read without crying: “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:25-26). He really is enough for us. There really is hardship and heartache that threatens to break us, but the reality is, Jesus won for us everything we need to be content when He won salvation for us on the cross. There is nothing that can truly shake us, nothing that can steal that peace and security and joy that He won for us. What a priceless gift!
After all of that celebrating me, it felt quite appropriate to turn out attention to Daddy on Sunday. We stayed home from church because Philippa had been up most of the night coughing. There’s something very grounding and restful for us in staying home for a full day and being all together. It was a gift. B did work on a table he’s building in the garage, I sat near him and knitted, played guitar, sang hymns. The kids rode bikes up and down the street with a neighbor boy they befriended, and I carted children in the bike trailer for rides. We were outside all day until late in the evening, cooking hot dogs wrapped in a grain-free pretzel dough over the fire. It was a nearly perfect evening, until I realized how shallowly Philippa was breathing and how raspy she sounded. I whisked her off to the ER and didn’t get home until around 1 am. So, there was that. (She was laboring a bit too much to breathe, they did a breathing treatment and she’s on a round of steroids, but already improving.) Brandon cleaned everything up, bathed the other kids and tucked them into bed, washed the dishes and kitchen, then sat out by the fire reading late into the evening waiting for me and the baby to get home. That’s the kind of Daddy he is, even on “his” day, doing what needs to be done, serving. We love him so much, he really is our whole world in so many ways. Happy Father’s Day to all of you Daddy’s out there!
It’s been hot here this week, at least in my opinion. I’m a big baby when it comes to heat. We’re keeping a little kiddie pool filled on our porch for the kids to play in and cool off, which they often swim in in their undies and then run around the yard like little wild indians. We try not to appear too white-trash but sometimes you do what you must to keep kids outdoors and away from screens while it’s hot and humid.
June has been sort of up and down. My brother and his new bride came for a visit early in the month after their honeymoon to Iceland, and we had a blast soaking up as much time with them as we could during that weekend. Phoebe is quite attached to her new auntie.
I took Phoebe for a weigh-in recently and found she had lost a little more weight and her BMI has dropped again from 7% to 4%. I know overall since her diagnosis we have seen her gain about 5 pounds and gain a few inches in height, but the fact that she keeps gaining and losing and not having the kind of “catch-up” recovery that the research suggests she should has me worried. We’ve been keeping a food journal the last week and going over her caloric intake with her nutritionist and she believes we should try and get another 400 calories per day into Phoebe. That’s NO SMALL FEAT, I tell you. It’s hard not to be discouraged and to feel like we are facing impossibilities. It’s hard to not grow weary in this work and throw my hands up in frustration. But sometimes you go on simply because you just have no other option. This is the hand that has been given us, and this is the work the Lord has given in this season. It makes me fall on my face a lot, yet I can see so much good in it all, even though I find my soul complaining often. Some days are good and we feel strong and capable, other days the fear rages and the weariness threatens. I have learned to be honest with the Lord and to just walk with Him in it all. I cannot tell you what a comfort the Psalms have been to me in this season. I am listening to them constantly on Sandra Maccracken’s new cd Psalms and also Shane and Shane’s Psalms, Vol. 2. I’m reading them daily in Tim Keller’s book The Songs of Jesus. I cannot tell you how often I don’t have words, yet the Psalms somehow impart them and pull the words out of my soul in prayer to God. His Word is like oxygen to me. We press on in hope and trust.
I’ve been helped by Sara Groves’ words in this video as she shares some about her struggle with depression and anxiety, specifically her question “What is the Gospel that saves me?” When the anxiety builds, I come back to this. What is the Gospel that saves me? Health? Ease? A thriving child? These things are legitimate longings of my heart, but will my soul survive if God doesn’t give these things? At the end of the day, my hope isn’t in a certain result, it can’t be, because that is a frail hope. At the end of the day, my hope must be in Jesus and the promise of a secure future with Him no matter what comes on this green earth, a future where He will finally heal all disease and right all wrongs. I am beginning to understand Jonathon Edwards’ plea: “Lord, stamp eternity on my eyeballs.” If I can shift my perspective, usually my view of the present changes and I am able to find my way through.
By the end of the summer if we haven’t seen considerable growth in Phoebe, our nutritionist is recommending we seek a second opinion by a pediatric celiac specialist, which will entail some travel to either Georgia, Boston, or Chicago. Pray with me for growth? And for wisdom and endurance in the journey.
In other random bits and pieces of news, I’ve been taking a few photos for my dad and husband’s building and remodeling company for their website and also to make a little extra income. We were out snapping pictures of a gorgeous deck they built recently, and the kids were happy to see daddy and what he was working on. I had to snip off my little Noah-man’s beautiful curls this morning. He needed a bit less hair in all this summer heat, and I needed to see his eyes again. I don’t do a terribly great job, but at least it’s free and he doesn’t mind my imperfect cuts.
I still love June, even with all of its ups and downs.
Just plugging away at my precious cowl, reading a few books but this one has been top of the stack this week. Of course, I heard of The Shepherd’s Life originally through Ginny but became intrigued with it lately in thinking about the context of shepherding in the Christian life. I am always interested in learning more about farm-y things, but also curious how Rebanks’ experience as a Shepherd might better inform my understanding of Christ as my Shepherd. Recently at our church, our pastor felt God’s nudge to step down and we are, as a church, in a season of searching for a new pastor. I think my soul feels a bit bewildered, a bit like a sheep without a shepherd. Anyway, I don’t seem to get much reading done lately, more knitting. I try to squeeze in a few minutes a day before bed but my progress is slow! Did you see my last post with pictures of the finished lori shawl? I’m so happy with it. It feels important to finish and record progress in a season where most of my labor seems to produce slow results. Little moments here and there add up to something beautiful in the end, right?
Joining Ginny today for her weekly yarn along, where we share our current reads + knits.
The Lori Shawl, my first real shawl, knit with Quince + Co. sparrow, which is Italian linen, in colorways moon + sans. It is different to knit with linen and took some getting used to, but after months handling it, my fingers miss it. This shawl was the most relaxing knit and easiest to take with me wherever because it is just garter stitch all the way. It turned out to be bigger than I expected, I ended up using 6 skeins. I made a few mistakes along the way, one little hole that I couldn’t seem to figure out how to fix, but I still absolutely love it. It is bigger than my kitchen table so blocking it was a challenge with three little ones around, but I made a spot on my bedroom floor and it dried quickly, so we managed. It feels so dreamy after blocking, the drape is perfect. I could see myself knitting this pattern again in a wintery wool for sure. I’m so thankful for this lightweight, summertime shawl and can’t wait to finally wear it!
There seems to be a magic to these longer June evenings, where the light stretches long and we let the kids stay up a little later just to savor it. This is our last summer before we start schooling, and it is sobering a little. I was reminded earlier this week that we only have 18 summers with our children. I only have 13 left with Phoebe. I read these words by Ann Voskamp earlier this week and brim with tears. Soon I will be on the other side of all of these busy childrearing years. And so I make plans and ideas to really enjoy this summer together, most of them simple. And the laundry overflows, the bills pile, the decisions need to be made, and the headlines scream news that breaks my heart and makes me feel helpless.
And we have dinner together as we usually do, and I laugh as I look over to see Noah pushing buttons on his pretend phone. We have a “no phones at the table” rule, we remind him with twinkling eyes. He says he is “just checking the Bible,” already wise to the powers of persuasion.
They bathe and get in their jammies, and then beg us to go out for a walk. We relent, and I grab my camera as we head out the door. Phoebe carries a bucket to collect her treasures (whatever flowers, pinecones, and leaves that catch her eye). We head down to our little neighborhood lake to check on the new baby goslings, and are happy to see momma duck and all 8 of her ducklings. We tell the kids to sit down and be quiet so we don’t scare them away and much to our surprise, momma duck brings all her babies right up the hillside to us. They are peeping quietly and pecking around on the road and then promptly head back to the water. It is such a sweet moment, all the children hushed in wonder. It is as if momma duck wanted to show off all her babies to us. This will be our third summer in this neighborhood and the first time there has been so much wildlife at the lake. It provides a lot of opportunities to teach and observe and then go find library books and explore topics and questions further.
And I quiet my soul and praise God for the way He provides perspective. My soul hungers for wilderness places, even ones as tame as our little lake, because I remember, I see again. Getting up into the high places far from the noise of machines and man, as my husband and I did recently, gives perspective. I see the city and houses lying far below, tucked into the hillside and valleys and I wonder at God’s perspective. How small we all are! How tiny our little homes and streets and lights and city buildings! In the grand wide world, smaller still. But then to get knees down in the dirt of my own plot of ground and wonder at how much is going on here without my involvement or help or notice — fiddleheads unfurling, birds finding food and shelter, trees growing leaves again, bees pollinating, ducklings hatching. What a vast bounty is here, teaching me of the abundance of God through the incredible diversity and variety of creation. The species of trees and flowers that I cannot even name or identify, the rain that falls on the mountain peaks dripping through the mossy ground into springs that form streams of water cutting down the valley and crevices, nurturing it all, slowly finding its way into my kitchen sink.
God is above it all. God looks on it all. God sustains it all. God does not need my help in order to accomplish it all. This land is a loud song of His abundance. His creativity. His ability. His goodness. His control + sovereignty.
This land is a loud song of my smallness.
My dependency.
My limitations.
My frailty.
My humility.
These are good things to remember.
And maybe you need to remember, too. Even a small walk in your neighborhood or a nearby trail with the intent of noticing the small things, the hidden things that are growing and living without a hint of your involvement, can be helpful. It can help loose the tight bonds of worry and fear and self-sufficiency, to a joyful restful dependency on a good God.
The laundry, the gritty floors, the decisions, the finances, the needs and the headlines: it all matters, and I am responsible to be a faithful with what He gives me, busy working. But He holds me together. It is all falling apart, but He holds me together. He holds you together.
Do you not know? Do you not hear?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
who brings princes to nothing,
and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.
Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown,
scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,
when he blows on them, and they wither,
and the tempest carries them off like stubble.
To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.
Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:21-31
I finished up the Nantucket throw blanket a couple of weeks ago, but am just now getting around to snapping pictures of it to share with you here. We are busy enjoying it, as you can see, I keep finding someone snuggled up in it, which makes me happy. 🙂 I originally wanted it as a throw for our bed but it is a little bit smaller than I had hoped, and the kids keep dragging it back out to the living room to snuggle with while reading books. I love the texture and coziness it adds to our home!
I’m still knitting the precious cowl this week but have somehow made some sort of mistake and I’m on hold until I can rip back (so tedious with lace!) and get back on track. Somehow I have more stitches than I should. Ugh. So in the meantime I’m doing finishing work on my lori shawl and knitting up a few more dishcloths for a gift.
I’m still reading My Antonia, I put it on hold to read When Calls the Heart, which I finished up a couple of days ago, and am a little over half way through My Antonia. I’m more into it now, but still not sure what I think.
Joining with Ginny’s yarn along today.
Normally on Sunday’s if I post, I post only Scripture. To quiet my voice and all others and let Gods voice ring out across the Internet. Today I wanted to make an exception to share this powerful video with you. Sara Groves speaks my heart language. I pray that today you and I are able to be extravagantly wasteful enough to rest. May you and I be faith-filled enough to rest. When we choose to put aside our ever-present work and rest, we are in essence saying to God, “I know you will care for me. You will provide. You are in control, not me. You are worthy of my dependency and my quiet, available spirit, rather than only my bustling and busy activity. You are sufficient. You are able. You are enough.”
The days are heating up, thunder rumbles across our skies most afternoons. We bend and obey the weather, spending our time outside in the cool early mornings, hunkering down after lunch for naps and quiet and stormy weather. The city markets in Asheville are opening again, and Phoebe requested that we buy a big bucket of fresh strawberries at the last one we went to. They really were the best strawberries we’ve ever had, and she’s eaten handfuls every day. We made these grain-free strawberry shortcakes together for dessert with whipped coconut milk. All my kids love helping in the kitchen, and I’ve been trying to once again make more of an effort to let them help more, especially Phoebe as the oldest. Both she and Noah are learning to handle a knife and chop things with me assisting, of course. She’s been asking for a french braid every day pretty much, and she is asking often for me to “picture” this or that. She really likes to put on a super cheesy grin for the camera, while I prefer catching the more candid moments. Maybe the phase will pass.
We also made our first round of popsicles, just blending yogurt, honey, fresh strawberries, and a little bit of flaxseed. We dropped a few blueberries and chopped chocolate chips in, too, for fun. We bought these BPA-free molds last summer and used them almost weekly. We pulled out our little plastic pool from the garage and filled it up for the first time the same day my parent’s neighborhood pool opened. So, pool days are officially here and we are thankful! It’s not terribly relaxing for me to take them to the pool but it is maybe the best way to endure the muggy heat of the summer and still have the kids outside for part of the day.
I scribbled down a bunch of family plans and goals for the summer, things I want to make and do with the kids, parts of the yard and house I would like to organize and tidy and rearrange as we start to prepare for homeschooling this fall. I realized I don’t do very many crafts with the kids, and I’d like to have a space with craft supplies and maybe attempt a once-weekly craft time with them, at least. We play a lot outside, read a ton, and they are often imaginative and having unstructured play time, but children just love doing crafts, having mommy’s full attention and getting to make a mess and create something beautiful at the same time. I’m checking this book out from the library for some inspiration. And I’m taking them to story time for preschoolers at the library, which has music and craft time. I should probably have been doing it sooner, we went this past week and all had such a fun time. I made this incredible granola this past week (per Alicia’s recommendation), needing a cold summer breakfast option since Brandon and I both are a bit tired of eggs and pancakes, alternatively. I forgot how much I love having a good granola on hand, and this one is so simple and fast to make with a very small ingredient list. I think we’ll be living off of it this summer.
Last weekend we drove up to Balsam Mountain on the Parkway to visit one of my best friends from college and her family. They live in TN and whenever we come close by one another we do our best to sneak in a visit. They were camping for the weekend there, and we wanted to join them but just didn’t pull things together in time so we went for the day on Saturday instead. What a treat it is to see our kids play together, and just to be outside together by a campfire, snacking, catching up and laughing. When Brandon and I were first married and moved out to Colorado, they moved out also to a nearby town and some of our best memories were sharing times with them there. I told Mary in a text later how much these brief hang outs make me ache to live closer to them. When we left, we saw an elk on the roadside, and a few wild turkeys as well.
These are the early gifts of summer. The first fruit from the vine, the gathering with friends, campfires and pools and the hopes and dreams for these sunny warm days. Our last summer before school begins and we transition into a new season of family life.
Still working on my precious cowl, my first venture into lace + I really love it.
Still reading My Antonia but also reading The Railway Children with phoebe while the other kids are napping and I love this book so much. I can’t remember if I ever made it through the whole thing as a child, but it is actually quite engaging for me now. I find myself looking forward to snuggling up with Phoebe and finding out what these three delightful children will be up to next. I especially like that they are good figures for Phoebe to look up to: adventurous, looking out for the interests of others, honest, helpful, loving and compassionate, while trying to solve the difficult circumstances they find themselves in. It gives us some simple talking points about behaviors that we admire and want to cultivate in our own home. Mostly though, we just read it and I let her draw her own conclusions. 🙂 This old copy was given to me as a child by my grandpa on my tenth birthday so it’s a treasure and we love the watercolor paintings that accompany the story.
Joining with Ginny today.
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everything He gives 