The Gift Of Time

Must have been sometime around my first girl’s birth that I stumbled upon her book.  It was a newer release then; she, an unfamiliar name to me.  But something about it drew me.  I started it on a flight across the US from east coast to west, then up to Vancouver, a visit to my sister for her 30th birthday gift.

I had no idea then how impacted I would be by her words, how it would be so pivotal for me to read in that season, with my then 3-month old firstborn, a strained marriage and broken heart.  I had no idea I would think about her words nearly every day since.  Few books come along at just the right time and mark us in that way.  So, you will often see her words reflected or quoted here, as I think of them and return to them often.

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“We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing” {Psalm 39:6}.

 “I speak it to God: I don’t really want more time; I just want enough time.  Time to breathe deep and time to see real and time to laugh long, time to give You glory and rest deep and sing joy and just enough time in a day not to feel hounded, pressed, driven, or wild to get it all done—yesterday.  In a world with cows to buy and fields to see and work to do, in the beep and blink of the twenty-first century, with its ‘live in the moment’ buzz phrase that none of the whirl-weary seem to know how to do, who actually knows how to take time and live with soul and body and God all in sync?  To have the time to grab the jacket off the hook and time to go out to all air and sky and green and time to wonder at all of them in all this light, the time refracting in prism.  I just want time to do my one life well.”

“Time is a relentless river.  It rages on, a respecter of no one.  And this, this is the only way to slow time: when I fully enter time’s swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here.  I can slow the torrent by being all here.  I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment.  And when I’m always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter.  And time slows.  Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time’s river slows, slows, slows.” (Ann VoskampOne Thousand Gifts, 67, 68)

When you don’t want Jesus

What if at the bottom of it all, at my deepest core, I don’t really care about Jesus.  I don’t really want Jesus.

What is wrong in my heart that the greatest gift could become of so little consequence in my estimation?  What is wrong in my heart that some new clothes, books, or a device are more appealing to me than Jesus?  What is wrong that I could be more excited over birthday and holiday parties to come, over planning for events and chopping down a Christmas tree and decorating the house, over Christmas cards and music, than Christ Himself?  What could have caused such a shift that what is priceless and perfection and the answer for my every longing would be lost under the pile of material things?  (Things supposedly done in the name of celebration over the Savior’s birth.)  That when the words “He is the greatest gift are whispered to my soul, my soul isn’t satisfied?  Or exhilarated?  That I don’t feel much of anything.  Maybe it’s just me.

This is why I need Advent this Christmas.  This is why I need the journey, the slow and steady and deliberate plodding from the Garden to the Manger to the Cross and the empty Tomb.  Because my heart is bent away from God.  Because lesser things continually come in and slowly, quietly, choke out the good things.  Because I want to see Him again, anew, as the greatest gift, as the best and highest and most precious thing this Christmas season.  Because I don’t want to miss Him and I don’t want a Christmas I can buy.  Because I want my heart at its core to want Jesus.  Because “the greatest gift we can give our great God is to let His love make us glad” (Voskamp, The Greatest Gift).

May He be found anew and treasured more highly than all else!

“We must be sure of the infinite good that is done to us by our Lord Jesus Christ, in order that we may be ravished in love with our God and inflamed with a right affection to obey Him, and keep ourselves strictly in awe of Him.”  -John Calvin