returning

The first zinnia of the season, the turning of the days once again, the summer solstice. My heart turning once again back to this space, to words, to the slow pace, to contemplation, learning.

The past few years have felt like a plowing, like a shaking, a shifting. All the things I wish I could share, could explain, but how to write all the space of three years into a post? And so much of it is the tender, hidden aching and growing, losing and grieving and then rejoicing again. The narrow and often strenuous path of life curving through lonely mountain peaks, then winding back through warm mountain meadows.

I have thought many times, tried many times to sit back down in this space and “catch up,” but it has all felt overwhelming and uncertain. I am not sure that I have anything worth saying anymore. The world feels far less safe to be sharing my thoughts and family with. Yet another school year comes to a close and I feel this sudden ability to breathe again, to come back to myself a bit, to have this wider space open up for thinking, reading, creating, and I find myself considering it again. In the three years or so since I’ve posted, life has gotten exponentially busier. After the most difficult pregnancy yet, we joyously welcomed our fifth child, Titus Wilder, 15 months ago (for those of you who don’t follow me on IG). This past school year in particular felt entirely overwhelming juggling the needs of teaching four children ranging from 7th grade to Kindergarten while nursing a baby and dealing with sleep deprivation. They have been the sweetest days of my life and I haven’t wanted to miss a second of it, which means being ruthless in examining priorities and where I spend my time and energy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I miss blogging. I so treasure looking back over the very different seasons I recorded here previously. I miss the way it gave space for my meager pursuit of photography and writing. I don’t feel that I have much room to try to squeeze it back in but I’m going to try here and there and we’ll see what happens.

So, hello again. I’m not sure that any of you are still there? I wonder how you are.