It was New Years of 2010, the very fresh first of the year, when I had the first hint of your arrival. You hadn’t been conceived yet, no, but God whispered to me hints that a great joy was coming to me in this year, something He couldn’t wait to give me. I had no idea it would be you, I was thinking on a much lesser scale. But in April, near Easter, I found out I was pregnant with you. We weren’t planning to be pregnant, we were beginning to long for it, but we were scared about our financial situation and just apprehensive about all the changes and uncertainties that would inevitably come with children.
But when that test read positive, I couldn’t stop jumping up and down for joy and screaming and screaming to your Daddy. We couldn’t contain our joy and excitement already. And we had NO idea how much more would be in store for us. My pregnancy with you was good and fairly easy. You were so small. You came so fast, so unexpectedly fast. It was two days before Christmas, I arrived at the hospital, had a couple of contractions, and I was ready to push. Two or three pushes later and then, there you were, all of a sudden, laying quiet on my stomach, reaching for me, blackest scowled little eyes gazing for the first time at me quizzically. I couldn’t believe you were mine. Were you even real?
And our hearts nearly burst for joy. We would never be the same. Altered, forever. Perfectly planned for and formed before the beginning of time. You had aunties and uncles and grandparents bursting at the seams to get their first glimpse of you, and no one was prepared for the way you would steal our hearts. It was the best day of my life, by far. It was the most joy I have ever tasted this side of heaven. It was perfection, if there ever could be perfection. We brought you home at nearly midnight on Christmas Eve, just as a heavy snow was beginning to fall. You slept in our bed and we slept the best sleep together. We woke up, it was Christmas, and our little world was covered in a fresh white snow. Snowed in! We didn’t have any gifts that year to open, we had been so busy preparing for you, but we had been given the greatest gift. Our hearts were full.
And thus began our journey with you, sweet Phoebe. In the three years since then, there are no words to describe the way God has used you to bless us. We have never known such deep love. We have never felt more fierce and protective and passionate about anything. We have never been more humbled, more desperate for Jesus, more aware of our brokenness and faults. Daily God teaches us more about Himself through you and the process of raising you. There are a thousand ways we feel inadequate to be your parents, to have been given the gift of a child in general, when we know so many who are so much more worthy who have not yet been given the gift of a child. And yet, we will never cease to praise our heavenly Father that He gave us YOU. That He entrusted us with such a precious, brilliant ray of light.
That’s what your name means, light.
This past year with you has been a blast. My momma’s heart aches and aches to see you growing and changing and transforming right before my very eyes. I want to hold onto these days, hard and exhausting as they can be at times. This is my favorite season of life thus far and I never want it to go! But, I know it’s impossible to hold on. Already I’ve had to let you go in a thousand small ways. And I know there will always be more to come.
This year you discovered being a little woman, a little chef in the kitchen, the “very goodest mommy” to your baby dolls, nursing them, feeding, and putting them to sleep. You discovered your independence and you’ve been struggling to figure out how to express it in a way that’s okay. You’ve learned more about obeying and respecting. You’ve overcome a fear of swimming/water and now it’s one of your very favorite things. You’re still afraid of food 🙂 and we will keep working on that in the year to come. For pete’s sake. You’re the sweetest big sister, and almost always are gentle and kind and loving to your little brother. You love birthdays, no matter whose it is, you love candles and cake. You are the most encouraging little girl, always so excited to see others (I remember taking you into the grocery store and you exclaiming loudly, “Hi, everyone!!!”) and to give hugs or pats on the backs to any children you see. You love going on “adventures” with mommy and daddy, and you wake up every morning asking me, “mommy, what are we going to do to-morning?” and at night you snuggle in bed, suck your fingers/hair and say, “mommy, what are we going to do tomorrow?” We always say, “we’re going to wake up, eat break-past, get dressed, tie our shoes, JUMP in the car, and go…… to….. (do such and such).” And in the morning you know exactly what the plan is and you can’t wait to get going. You’re really big into privacy right now, and love to come ask me, “mommy, can you give me some pribacy?”
I could go on and on. But I’ve heard pictures are worth a thousand words. So here are some of my very favoritest moments with you this past year. Your daddy and I love you forever and ever, no matter what. You’ll understand one day when you hold your first baby for the first time. We are so proud of you and we adore you, quirks, imperfections, beauties and all. Thanks for being born and making every Christmas the very best time of year for a million little reasons.
Happy 3rd birthday my little girl.